It is a macho thing for a guy to be able to handle his thoughts and fears. Still, every once in a while fear gets to each one of us. No matter how tough. Hard times come like blows in a Karate tournament, wiping one from feet like a knock out punch. Every time I go in for a tournament my mind counterbalances two beliefs, “ I am not afraid” while other retorts that “ hold on Dave! Hold on, I slight fear is normal, you are a human being”. In the dojo (the ring) and amidst curious cheering crowds the world seems tense and everything else seems not to exist, toe to toe with the opponent and facing each other and I can help feeling a tickle sensation while sizing up the opponent’s mocking grin. Then the blows rains after the bell ring, punches, kicking, blocking, counterattacks and outwitting tense wobble dance around the ring are greeted with cheers from what I now hear like afar crowds of people. Then a big blow always come and I always feels it instinctively like the world halts for a millisecond then the body tingly meets the punch and world start spinning again this time I am going down really fast with a thud! I don’t feel pain but eyes are blurred and voices of crowd’s awe drones in my head like confused rock and roll band. But when I am down there a strong voice shakes me from the confusion “get up Dave, you can do it… it is not over until you say it is done!! Get up” so I start to rise up on my feet thinking about my honor and respect. A fighter’s spirit gives me more strength and my heart pounds heavily with new crazy and furious vigor. I can hear the coach clearly now “it doesn’t matter the beating you have taken what matters is how much beatings you can take and move on till the end”.

It is weird feeling being on the edge and knowing there is nothing you can do but just to hang on and kick it with the last breath. You can’t just turn to the referee and say “hey! I need a break to catch my breath, this guy is not human”. So I do the macho man thing i.e. suffer quietly and “play it to the bone” until it is over and it really works. Though the truth is that sometimes I win sometimes I lose.
To me that is how life should be. I mean, I have gone through a lot of struggle becoming a man. Any guy who would tell you he’s never wanted to be honored and respected like a man would either be lying or telling you the sad truth. Sad truth is that at some point along the way he gave up after trying or never tried just like that.

There are of course few desperate, fleeting moments I feel like giving up, like when world comes crumbling down on me or when life seems like a tall forted prisons wall. Scaling up such walls seems like next to impossibility. Yet time again and again I am amazed by the strength and the heart I got. Not to mention the wise word of my grandma to me “you have to take a heart to be a man” and that “you don’t climb a tree from the top but from the bottom”. Imagining me taking life in each stride step by step is like climbing that tree from the bottom. It gives me patience and the will. And the thought of rising up to the feet from a beating gives me the heart to face setbacks time again and again against all odds. When that fears of tomorrow weigh heavily on my heart I get calmed by music. I listen to a same song. Lucky Dube tune “Crazy world” His voice so clean it sounds in my head like he next to me patting my shoulders….
“But we don’t know what tomorrow brings
In this crazy world!
So I lie myself to down sleep
And pray that Lord my soul to keep”
When I listen to that tune I calm down and pray. This song reminds me of the struggles that I go though becoming a man of honor and trustworthy. It makes me think of my life, my family, my friends and the youths. Tears of hope and fears well on my eyes and I wipe them, get to bed and think even harder. Yes! It should not be over until you say it is done!!